Best jokes ever

Q: How do you make holy water? A: You boil the hell out of it.
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has 97.22 % from 947 votes. More jokes about: christian, religious, science
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
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has 95.05 % from 33538 votes. More jokes about: black humor
Teacher: Now, Ramu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Ramu: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
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has 94.30 % from 3219 votes. More jokes about: food, god, school, teacher
Johny's curriculum vitae: 1. Full name: John 2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run. 3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream. 4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated. 5. Mental health: mentally retarded. 6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit. 7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named as Redwing and the lizard named as Notail 8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock. 9. Working motivation: none. I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John
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has 92.45 % from 4712 votes. More jokes about: animal, little Johnny, work
He named the street he built after his wife. It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
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has 92.21 % from 3047 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping? The trolley kept falling off the computer.
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has 90.42 % from 1856 votes. More jokes about: IT
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"
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has 87.23 % from 174 votes. More jokes about: husband, men, sex, wife
Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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has 86.77 % from 230 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
Chuck Norris really can get chicken from a tuna can.
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has 86.77 % from 610 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fish, food
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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has 86.66 % from 523 votes. More jokes about: money, political
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