A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'". The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?" The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast." "What about the green one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." The man says, "What does HE do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.” The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?” “He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered. The man asks ” How much?” “Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.” The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work. So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….” Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?” “he came in the house…” Furiously, the man asked “And then” “…and then he came into the bedroom…” Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?” “He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!” The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?" "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves." "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!" "Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" "I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!"