What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation: 1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate. 2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?" 3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence." 4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can. 5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence. 6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence. 7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time. 8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die? A: Everywhere!
Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face. Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?" Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea. Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish." Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"
I went to an ISIS birthday party once. The musical chairs were a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school? A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? A: The execution.
Knew a Muslim kid in college who was notorious for being late to everything. We called him 9/12.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
When terrorists feed their children, do they use the airplane method of "open wide" while making airplane noises? Or do they just smash it into their faces?