The best Christmas jokes

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
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More jokes about: Christmas, dirty, work
The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris ordered him to return it.
Vote: has 82.31 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, Chuck Norris
Yo mama so ugly when Santa came down the chimney he said ho! ho! hoooollly shit!
Vote: has 81.96 % from 3694 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, college, Santa, ugly, Yo mama
Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
Vote: has 81.76 % from 2629 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, insulting, Yo mama
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
Vote: has 80.46 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, game, kids, mean, Santa
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Vote: has 79.45 % from 207 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, cop, horse, kids, money
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Vote: has 76.27 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, family, kids, technology
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Vote: has 76.06 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: christian, Christmas, church, easter, work
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, Christmas
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, Christmas, Santa