Q: Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? A: Because they don't believe in higher powers.
There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian." The teacher asks, "So what are you then? " The girl replies, "I'm an atheist." The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. " That's no reason." she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her. Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn't believe in God. Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?" Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?" "No." "Hear God?" "No." "Feel God?" "No." This went on for quite a while. "Well then God doesn't exist." Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's brain. No, so that must not exist."
Q: What is an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? A: "Coincidence on 34th Street"
A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!" His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face. The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor. At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent... waiting. Eventually, the Professor came to. When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row. "What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?" The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Hell!" "Shit! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view! A marvelous beach! Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully: "Hey! Welcome to Hell. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!" Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach. After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises. Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the bone! Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone! Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils. "Whoa! Take it easy!" Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers: "Wha... what the HELL is that place?" Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."