The best new year jokes

Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
has 79.31 % from 1834 votes. More jokes about: new year, prison, racist
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
has 78.67 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
has 72.08 % from 110 votes. More jokes about: birthday, dirty, new year, sex, time
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
has 68.66 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: friendship, new year
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus? A: No one is awake to see either of them.
has 68.14 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: new year, Santa
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
has 68.00 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, money, new year, political, tax
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
has 65.57 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: new year, time
If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
has 64.81 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: birthday, kids, new year, sex
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
has 63.00 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, new year
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
has 62.98 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, new year, wife
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