Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
I dated a magician – I was seeing him, now I don't.
God: You have 3 wishes.
Me: Make my friend gay.
God: You still have 3 wishes.
Vote:
Two communists were sitting in a dive bar when one said to the other:
"Communism is the ultimate expression of generosity."
"True," the other replied.
"If you had two houses, would you give me one?"
"Absolutely."
"And if you had two cars, would you give me one?" the first communist asked.
"Without hesitation," the second communist replied.
"And chickens. If you had two chickens, would you give me one?"
The second communist thought about the question for a few moments before answering.
"No," he said.
"Why not?"
"Because I have two chickens."
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the little amount of time you're inside them.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
70 is a rumored cannibal but no can prove who 78
78 my ass
5 year old daughter: "Mom, why is some of your hair white?"
Me: *smiles* "Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white."
Daughter: *wide eyes* "Wow mom, what did you do to grandma?"
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender "what's with the meat?"
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?"
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, "I think I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
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