Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.
Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!
The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. "Can you tell me what kind it is?" she asked. "Can you describe it?" I asked. "Yes," she said. "It's long and thin."
Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car's tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, "When were you last driving the car?" "Last night at 11:00," I said. "And the tires were on it then?"