Wife: I'm leaving you. Me: Is it because I act like I know everything? Wife: Yes. Me: I knew it.
Wife: "Honey let's play a game?" Husband: "Ok, what is the game all about?" Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month." Husband: "Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?" Wife: (smile) "Yes darling." Husband: "Ok" (stood up and was ready to run to any direction) Wife: "Are u ready?" Husband: "Yes, ready." Wife: "Turkey" It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.
Waiter: "How do you like your steak, sir?" Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife." Waiter: "Rare it is."
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
Teacher: Why are you crawling into class, John? Littly Johny: You said, "Don't anyone dare walk into my class late!"
A: What does "IDK" mean? B: I don't know. A: Ugh! Nobody does!
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain." His wife asked, "How do you know?" "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Two chess players were in a hotel lobby, bragging to each other about their recent victories. The manager comes over, "Could you go to your rooms now, please?" "Why?!" "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer. Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."
My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!" I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."
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