The best fitness jokes

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
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has 84.27 % from 505 votes. More jokes about: fitness, military
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
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has 80.52 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: fat, fitness, phone
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."
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has 79.91 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: customer service, fitness, work
Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.
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has 79.00 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: black humor, fitness
When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.
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has 78.35 % from 314 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, gym
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!
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has 78.22 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: fat, fitness, food, gym
This guy named "John" asked advice how to lose extra LBS gained during vacation and was told about some new fitness center. So John went to check it out. Walked in, put $10 on the counter and said: "I'd like to lose 10 LBS please?!" The receptionist smiled and pointed to a pink door. John walked slowly into the room and saw only a massage table, a gorgeous scantily dressed woman on the other side. She said in a sexy voice "If you catch me, you fxxx me! " John ran around n round, caught her and... A few days later John returned. He put $20 on the counter and said "I'd like to lose 20 LBS. The smiling receptionist and pointed to a red door. John strutting to the door, and entered where he beheld 2 beautifully attired very hot n sexy women kissing and caressing each other, then they stood up, gazed at John, who was already moving toward them. And they purred "you catch us, you fuck us!" Already in motion, John ran round n round caught one, then caught the other... The following week John went back again. He smiled while searching for the door he knew was waiting for him, and slapped $50 on the counter saying excitedly "50 LBS for 50 bucks." The receptionist pointed to a black door. John strode over with quick steps, opened the door and immediately heard a deep voice belonging to the biggest blackest buck naked she-male say excitedly "I catch you I fuck you!"
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has 77.74 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: fitness, money, time, vulgar, women
I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.
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has 76.68 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: communication, fitness, gym, mean
What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
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has 76.26 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: fitness, gym, health
My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
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has 75.97 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: fat, fitness
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