The best fitness jokes

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
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When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.
Vote: has 78.81 % from 227 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, gym
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, fitness, phone
Q: How do Columbians develop muscle? A: By pushing drugs.
Vote: has 76.80 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

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Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.
Vote: has 76.32 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, fitness
I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, fitness, gym, mean
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.” “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” ”Who said he wanted to?”
Vote: has 74.08 % from 74 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, dad, doctor, fitness, old people
Q: Why was the farmer arrested at the gym? A: He was destroying his calves.
Vote: has 73.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

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If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fitness, flirt
The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
Vote: has 73.37 % from 94 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, health