There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
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Programmer.
A machine that turns coffee into code.
The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong.
I had a programming problem and decided to use regular expressions to solve it.
Now I have two problems.
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Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#.
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3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.