The best mean jokes

I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
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has 85.10 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, time
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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has 84.87 % from 343 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
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has 84.83 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, mean, wife, wine
My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
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has 84.72 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?" Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree. They asked me to bring it." Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to chech your pants." Susan: "Don't worry mam, I hav'nt put on my pants!"
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has 84.57 % from 802 votes. More jokes about: dirty, football, kids, mean
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
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has 84.33 % from 156 votes. More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
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has 83.88 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: customer service, health, mean
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
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has 83.77 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean, sport, wife
Mum: "How would you describe me?" Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Mum: "What does that mean?" Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent." Mum: "What about JK?" Dad: "Just Kidding."
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has 83.51 % from 97 votes. More jokes about: communication, mean, men, women
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
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has 83.02 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, life, marriage, mean, men
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