The best mean jokes

Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?" Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree. They asked me to bring it." Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to chech your pants." Susan: "Don't worry mam, I hav'nt put on my pants!"
Vote:
has 85.36 % from 610 votes. More jokes about: dirty, football, kids, mean
My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
Vote:
has 84.93 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
Vote:
has 84.72 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
Vote:
has 84.58 % from 329 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Vote:
has 84.57 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: life, mean, men, women
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Vote:
has 84.48 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, mean, wife, wine
Mum: "How would you describe me?" Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Mum: "What does that mean?" Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent." Mum: "What about JK?" Dad: "Just Kidding."
Vote:
has 84.48 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: communication, mean, men, women
A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up. They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside. The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed. The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor. As they were alone and beginning to get settled. The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice. He answered, "yes, sister?" "I'm cold." The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun. As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?" "Yes, sister?" "I'm still cold." The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in. He climbed back into the sleeping bag. Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again. "I'm still cold!" He said, "sister?" "Yes?" "We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains." "Yes, we are!" "Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?" "Oh yes! I do!" "Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"
Vote:
has 83.63 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean, priest, weather
I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
Vote:
has 83.29 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, time
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
Vote:
has 83.24 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean, sport, wife
1234
More jokes →
Page 1 of 22.