The best mean jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing. "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day." "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
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More jokes about: mean, music, time, wife, women
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
Vote: has 85.61 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, lawyer, mean, money, religious
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
Vote: has 85.04 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, love, mean, wife, wine
Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
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More jokes about: management, mean, work
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
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More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?" Me: "Drunk" Son: "What's mom gonna be?" Me: "Mad"
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More jokes about: dad, drunk, family, Halloween, mean
At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair." As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
Vote: has 84.80 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beauty, business, communication, customer service, mean
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle. "I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us spray."
Vote: has 83.88 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, disgusting, hunting, mean
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
Vote: has 83.74 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife