The best mean jokes

I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
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has 85.76 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, time
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
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has 85.72 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean, sport, wife
My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
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has 85.64 % from 112 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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has 84.73 % from 347 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
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has 83.87 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, life, marriage, mean, men
Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?" Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree. They asked me to bring it." Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to chech your pants." Susan: "Don't worry mam, I hav'nt put on my pants!"
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has 83.87 % from 820 votes. More jokes about: dirty, football, kids, mean
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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has 83.86 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: couple, mean, women
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
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has 83.57 % from 177 votes. More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
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has 83.16 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: customer service, health, mean
The wife and I had come to town to pick up a few things. We came out of one store and saw a cop writing a ticket for illegal parking right in front of us on the curb. So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break. But he paid us no attention and kept writing. Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, "What a Bozo." The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket. I said, "Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he's so proud of himself, he's showing off." The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third. We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen. Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street. We didn't care about the tickets. We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers. Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused. We feel it's important.
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has 83.08 % from 116 votes. More jokes about: communication, cop, mean, old people, vulgar
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