The best mean jokes

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double. The man asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars." The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million." The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise." The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses." The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."
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has 85.67 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: death, genie, mean, money, wife
When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
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has 85.27 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, mean
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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has 85.17 % from 297 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry. So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.
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has 84.80 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: communication, food, friendship, mean
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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has 84.17 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: couple, mean, women
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
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has 84.17 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: communication, love, mean, wife, wine
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!" That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
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has 84.17 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: christian, death, lawyer, life, mean
Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing. "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day." "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
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has 84.15 % from 397 votes. More jokes about: mean, music, time, wife, women
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
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has 83.74 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean, sport, wife
Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"? A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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has 83.29 % from 146 votes. More jokes about: family, life, mean, mother in law
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