The best mean jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance." Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
Vote: has 83.96 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, mean, mother in law, wedding
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
Vote: has 82.81 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, dirty, mean, vulgar
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Vote: has 82.72 % from 78 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: friendship, mean, money, poems
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
Vote: has 81.69 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" "My name is Paul."
Vote: has 81.28 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, mean
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?" Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'." The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you." Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."
Vote: has 80.60 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, mean, relationship, romantic, Valentines day
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
Vote: has 80.46 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, game, kids, mean, Santa
Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
Vote: has 80.46 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, love, mean, wine
I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.
Vote: has 78.59 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, mean