The best alcohol jokes

Q: What's the best way of investing your money? A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
Vote: has 72.71 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, money
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.
Vote: has 72.56 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, wine
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs," the drunk replied.
Vote: has 72.27 % from 47 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Vote: has 72.04 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
Vote: has 71.76 % from 28 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bartender, god
There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said; "Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"
Vote: has 71.70 % from 84 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, celebrity, drunk
A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?" "Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then had to go into my house but I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."
Vote: has 71.52 % from 23 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol
The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day! It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.
Vote: has 71.43 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, weather
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman “Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?”
Vote: has 70.84 % from 27 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
Vote: has 70.83 % from 57 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk


<<<13141516
More jokes →
Page 13 of 58.