The best alcohol jokes

I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, kids, time, wine
Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself." Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."
Vote: has 79.54 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, communication, friendship, military, old people
Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
Vote: has 79.48 % from 65 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Vote: has 79.46 % from 71 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, time, wife
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink." The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink." After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" To which, the drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."
Vote: has 79.46 % from 71 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, business, women
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!"
Vote: has 79.27 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, car
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Vote: has 79.21 % from 269 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, dirty, drunk, wife
A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar. He had just bought another large beer and he didn"t want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer." When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"
Vote: has 78.77 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beer
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
Vote: has 78.55 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, men, wine
A drunk goes to court. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’ The drunk says, ‘Great. Let’s get started.’
Vote: has 78.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol