I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me,
"Sorry mate, you've had too many".
I replied, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"
Vote:
A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says: "Hello world!"
There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it.
Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks.
So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.
The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.
So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!
EEEHHH!
He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.
As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, "Will you be back tomorrow when we'll have a new contest?"
The guy replies" Of course this is easier money than my career."
So the next night.
The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:
Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house.
The Bartender tells the guy," Let me see you win this one."
The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something.
The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.
When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says."
Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?"
The guy lights a cigarette and says," Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him."
Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?"
"Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?"
The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
"Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler.
Each one of US is blonde.
Think about it, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.
“Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.
“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes.
He sits at the bar and orders a beer.
A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back.
He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down.
Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same.
The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's .
The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life.
So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours.
Been going ten years so far.
The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back.
Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off.
As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves.
10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit.
This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room.
He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum.
The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20.
The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back.
About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar.
The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it.
The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was bigger than the donkeys.
Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it.
Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably.
The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.
A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water.
The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood."
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "We do, I'm making tea."