The best bar jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes," she purrs. "I am." "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
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has 68.89 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, dirty, food, money
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no balls.
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has 68.37 % from 523 votes. More jokes about: bar, dirty, lesbian
A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood. First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple." They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly. He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him. The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while. "Boy," he said "This is difficult. Flip that board over and let me smell the other side." So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose. He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't fool me! That's the shit house door from a tuna boat!"
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has 68.05 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar
I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night. The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many". I replied, "What, drinks?" He said, "No, birthdays!"
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has 67.69 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: bar, birthday, old people
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.” The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!” The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”
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has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, computer, husband, love
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."
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has 67.51 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: bar, blonde
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist” The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.” The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”
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has 67.39 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: bar, dirty, doctor, love
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?  "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
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has 67.34 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: bar, blonde, disgusting, lawyer
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”
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has 67.29 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: bar, dirty, old people, romantic, sex
A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "We do, I'm making tea."
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has 67.18 % from 127 votes. More jokes about: bar, dirty
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