The best bar jokes

A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He's sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice. "Nice shirt." He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking. "Nice tie," the voice says again. He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing. "Oh, that's the peanuts," the bartender said. "The peanuts?" asked the man. "Yeah, they're complimentary."
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has 50.70 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender
A man came home from the bar with an unknown woman. He woke up in the morning and yelled, "A crocodile, a crocodile!" The woman woke up and asked, "Where, where?" A man cried again, "O-o-oh, the crocodile is talking!"
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has 50.70 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, women
The Perfect Man At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"
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has 50.45 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, music, technology
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
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has 50.45 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: bar, disgusting
An Indian and an African walk into a bar... Just jokin'. It's just two liberal white women.
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has 49.74 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: bar, democrat, political, racist, white people
A brain walks into a bar and says, "Ill have a pint of beer please. "The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I cant serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "Youre already out of your head."
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has 49.61 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer. At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?" Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears.
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has 49.51 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, beer, math
What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar? He got bombed.
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has 49.30 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: bar, military
The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all from?"
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has 48.79 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: bar, love, racist
Q: What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar? A: Gimme a slug of whiskey.
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has 48.78 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, cowboy
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