The best bar jokes

Q: Whats the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? A: "May I push in your stool?"
Vote: has 50.81 % from 181 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bar, gay
A man came home from the bar with an unknown woman. He woke up in the morning and yelled, "A crocodile, a crocodile!" The woman woke up and asked, "Where, where?" A man cried again, "O-o-oh, the crocodile is talking!"
Vote: has 50.70 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, bar, women
The Perfect Man At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"
Vote: has 50.45 % from 9 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, music, technology
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Vote: has 50.45 % from 9 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bar, disgusting
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
Vote: has 49.93 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, bar, bartender, duck
So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer. At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?" Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears.
Vote: has 49.74 % from 47 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bar, bartender, beer, math
A brain walks into a bar and says, "Ill have a pint of beer please. "The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I cant serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "Youre already out of your head."
Vote: has 49.61 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar? He got bombed.
Vote: has 49.30 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bar, military
A black african man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "That's pretty nice where did you get it?" "Africa" the parrot responds.
Vote: has 49.30 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bar, black people, geography, parrot
The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all from?"
Vote: has 48.79 % from 28 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bar, love, racist


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