The best bar jokes

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Vote:
has 36.09 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, heaven
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
Vote:
has 35.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beauty, money, women
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Vote:
has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, women
Jesus walks into an inn and hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Vote:
has 34.24 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: bar, christian, religious
So a jew, a homosexual and a black man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Get the fuck out!"
Vote:
has 33.59 % from 230 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, racist
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. "Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it. "Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him. "It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."
Vote:
has 33.37 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants" The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."
Vote:
has 33.28 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, pirate
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
Vote:
has 31.97 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer, money
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Vote:
has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: bar, men
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
Vote:
has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
<<<26272829
More jokes →
Page 26 of 29.