The best bar jokes

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
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has 35.66 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, time
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, women
So a jew, a homosexual and a black man walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Get the fuck out!"
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has 33.90 % from 217 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, racist
Jesus walks into an inn and hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
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has 33.09 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: bar, christian, religious
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
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has 31.97 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer, money
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
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has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: bar, men
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
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has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
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has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
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has 31.03 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, baby, bar, blonde, ginger
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
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has 30.41 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, cop
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