A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.
The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says:
" I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet.
Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."
The first man says" Ok, sure."
The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below.
He is dead.
Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches."
But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."
A Horse walks into a bar:
"Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk.
The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.
The man leaves.
He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer.
A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.
The man leaves.
He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar.
He leaves.
He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him.
"I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!"
Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can.
The bartender asks, "my goodness, why are you drinking so fast?'
The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have."
The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?"
The guy responds, "Only one Dollar."
One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door.
When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door.
Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door.
This time, there's a bum asking for a straw.
The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there.
The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."
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