During the Cold War days, a Russian pilot is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation. US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 Fighter!" Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again... US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 fighter!" Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!" He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia. In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the MiG-50 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"
Two Generals were preparing for battle. The first General calls his aide and says "Bring me my red uniform!" The other General asks why he would wear a red uniform. The first General explains that if he gets wounded then his soldiers won't see the blood and lose their courage. The other General thinks about this, then calls to his aide "Bring me my brown uniform!"
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?" "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!" "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. “Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.” “Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in. “Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals" The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck" So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship" The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!" The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to come."
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles. The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means to lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of the fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. “So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked. The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”
Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniper gets the range.
After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of the coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds, the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!” They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!” They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”