The best money jokes

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
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More jokes about: death, family, money, time, work
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
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More jokes about: dirty, money
My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
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More jokes about: drug, management, money, work
Q: Why is divorce so costly? A: Because its justified, despite all the trouble.
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More jokes about: divorce, money
Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana
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More jokes about: money, weed
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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More jokes about: life, money
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
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More jokes about: divorce, mean, men, money, women
Did you hear about the man who spent too much of his company's money on Viagra? Now he's hard up.
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More jokes about: business, men, money, viagra
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said, "Just do it!" The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls." The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."
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More jokes about: air force, military, money, political
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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More jokes about: age, money, school, teacher