The best wife jokes

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
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has 29.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk, kids, wife
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there. The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." "Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?" The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
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has 28.45 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: death, funeral, sport, wife
My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction.
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has 27.61 % from 152 votes. More jokes about: doctor, sex, wife
One spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word: "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"
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has 26.64 % from 127 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, men, wife
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.
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has 25.81 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: sport, wife
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.
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has 25.64 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: divorce, marriage, wife
Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.
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has 24.92 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: age, time, wife
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs. One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional. The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.'' They asked the woman, ''What are you?'' She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''
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has 24.11 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: bar, sport, wife
A man enters the bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
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has 22.04 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, wife
The wife of a boxer wakes up because of the sounds that come from the dining room. She wakes her husband up: Rocky, I think someone wants a particular boxing lesson...
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has 20.85 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: husband, sport, wife
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