Best jokes ever

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
Vote: has 87.74 % from 142 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
Vote: has 87.73 % from 191 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, work
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Vote: has 87.73 % from 3265 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, dirty, work
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
Vote: has 87.72 % from 267 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: airplane, life, priest, travel, women
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Vote: has 87.71 % from 210 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
Vote: has 87.71 % from 295 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, money, women
Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.
Vote: has 87.71 % from 181 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...!
Vote: has 87.71 % from 469 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, life, marriage, wife
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Vote: has 87.70 % from 304 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: celebrity, marriage, time
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Vote: has 87.68 % from 161 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage