Joke #3689

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed." Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees. She explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny — at the back of the class — put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up.My big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a black pecker at the beach!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home. "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush." The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake." A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights." A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

The first of September, first lesson. Teacher: "Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand." Little Johnny immediately raises his hand. "You want to ask something?" "No. Just checking how the system works."

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, "Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?" "I'm taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated," answers Johnny. The mayor is shocked, "Surely your father had better be doing that?" Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, "Nah, I think it's really best left with the bulls."

"Johny, what is the difference between being sober and being drunken?" Johny: "When I was drunk I didn't need to buy a ticket to the carousel." "Ok, and when you were sober and wanted to go to the carousel what has happened then?" "The carousel man needed to center the whole carousel, of course. The left half of the carousel was for me and the right one for all the small children."

At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class. Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad. To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him. "Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military. The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military. The Marine Corps is a cult. The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'." So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?" Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation. Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other." By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did. "What did you do in the military, dad?" "Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."