A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job... He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor? He was in them.
Patrick left the pub after having too much to drink. He was taking the underground home. As he started to get on the escalator, he read the sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’ He shouted, ‘Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?’
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. ‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender. ‘He knows when to stop.’
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
Two protons walk into the bar and run into each other. One of them falls down. "Are you OK?" asks the other. "I think so," says the proton. "You sure?" the other asks. "Yeah," says the proton..."I'm positive."
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches." But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?" "A Budweiser in each hand!"