Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked the President. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President. The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”. So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar. The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?” And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Kids: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Kids: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Kid: Homework!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.” The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris laid an uppercut to a horse.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?