The best drunk jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't get drunk. He simply lowers his IQ to yours.
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has 46.70 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, drunk
Q: What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea? A: He drowned in his own tea pe
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has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, drunk
A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving. The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?" The drunk man, "What drugs?"
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has 43.90 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: cop, drug, drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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has 42.25 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, cop, drunk
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when she was pulled over for drunk driving and asked to walk a line, she said, "Which one?"
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has 42.25 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, stupid, Yo mama
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.
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has 41.91 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, death, drunk, money
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
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has 40.17 % from 203 votes. More jokes about: black humor, dead baby, drunk, morbid, sex
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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has 39.64 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, wife
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk. One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
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has 39.32 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, wife
"Johny, what is the difference between being sober and being drunken?" Johny: "When I was drunk I didn't need to buy a ticket to the carousel." "Ok, and when you were sober and wanted to go to the carousel what has happened then?" "The carousel man needed to center the whole carousel, of course. The left half of the carousel was for me and the right one for all the small children."
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has 38.74 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: drunk, kids, little Johnny
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