The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Drink water, let's surprise the liver!
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.
The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."
The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."
The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother."
Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
"My wife suffers from a drinking problem."
"Oh is she an alcoholic?"
"No, I am, but she's the one who suffers."
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring.
Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted.
At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away.
A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."