The best drunk jokes

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
Vote: has 74.21 % from 31 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, husband, time, wife
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
Vote: has 74.08 % from 74 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, church, drunk, priest
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Vote: has 73.75 % from 224 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, drunk, horse
A compass „Drinker": loose your limbs, find your North, let us dance!
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, drunk
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Vote: has 72.79 % from 57 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, drunk
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Vote: has 72.77 % from 34 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, heaven
Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS! When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.
Vote: has 71.60 % from 136 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: drug, drunk, sport
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve? A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Vote: has 71.43 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: drunk, new year, time
On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother." Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
Vote: has 71.00 % from 49 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dad, drunk, kids
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
Vote: has 70.83 % from 57 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk


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