The best drunk jokes

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Vote: has 73.18 % from 215 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, drunk, horse
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.
Vote: has 72.77 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bar, bartender, drunk, men
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
Vote: has 72.33 % from 69 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, church, drunk, priest
Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
Vote: has 71.85 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: drunk, wine
When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.
Vote: has 71.85 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: drunk, friendship, graduation
Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS! When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.
Vote: has 71.39 % from 131 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: drug, drunk, sport
On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother." Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
Vote: has 71.00 % from 49 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, drunk, kids
A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children, "Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep." "Why to the waist", the children interested. "Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you." The mother returned and her children met her at the door, "Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep." "Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?" "Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."
Vote: has 70.92 % from 36 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, drunk, life
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Vote: has 70.90 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk
A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while. The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times. The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car The guy falls down five more times. He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door. The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell. A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"
Vote: has 70.84 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, car, drunk