The best food jokes

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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has 85.23 % from 1657 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage, sex, wedding
Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.
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has 85.14 % from 498 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs. Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs. Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu. He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it." "Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."
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has 85.13 % from 8974 votes. More jokes about: food, life, work
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
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has 85.05 % from 1078 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, food, marriage, wedding, work
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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has 84.97 % from 323 votes. More jokes about: food, husband, marriage, wife, wine
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
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has 84.87 % from 343 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
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has 84.80 % from 751 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, couple, food, marriage, wedding
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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has 84.76 % from 176 votes. More jokes about: bar, church, food, life, priest
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
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has 84.74 % from 391 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
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has 84.73 % from 129 votes. More jokes about: family, food, religious
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