The best god jokes

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop. The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?" The priest replied, "Only water, officer." The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?" The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
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has 78.50 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: cop, driving, god, priest, wine
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks." "I’m awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there’s a room. "Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
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has 78.21 % from 658 votes. More jokes about: god, jewish, racist, time, winter
In the beginning of time, God created the world and then rested. Then he created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.
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has 77.50 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: god, time, women
Joey and Katie are sitting in school. Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question. "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie. "Correct." Says the teacher. So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims. "Correct again." Says the teacher. So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?" Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
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has 77.28 % from 845 votes. More jokes about: god, heaven, kids, religious, school
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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has 77.13 % from 74 votes. More jokes about: god, life, religious
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?". "It was at the end of this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"
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has 76.91 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, car, cop, god
If God is a woman then we're all going to go to Hell, but we'll never know why.
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has 76.74 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: god, women
Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?" Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: doctor, god, life
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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has 76.26 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, god, wife
God made each and everyone of us until he got to China. Copy paste...copy paste...
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has 76.15 % from 2023 votes. More jokes about: asian, god, racist
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