The best god jokes

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
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has 74.21 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bartender, god
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
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has 74.17 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: atheist, god, time
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."
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has 74.04 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: cop, drunk, god
Question: Why did God give men penises? Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.
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has 73.98 % from 162 votes. More jokes about: god, women
Yo momma so poor that when she farted she said clap your hands stomp your feet praise to the lord we have heat.
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has 73.77 % from 266 votes. More jokes about: fart, god, insulting, money, Yo mama
Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"
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has 73.65 % from 273 votes. More jokes about: fat, god, insulting, Yo mama
Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The American jumped off and shouted "God save America!" The English man jumped off and shouted "God Save The Queen!" The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted "God save the person who I land on!''
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has 73.34 % from 343 votes. More jokes about: god, sport
Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
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has 72.95 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: god, life, women
One day, a guy decides to go ice fishing. He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur. Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!" He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone. He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole. Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!" He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again. "There's no fish there!" it booms. He looks up nervously. "G-G-God? I-I-Is that... you?" he asks. "No, it's the arena manager. Get the fuck out of here!"
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has 72.71 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, fish, god, management, vulgar
At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
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has 71.88 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: christian, church, god, money, old people
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