The best husband jokes

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?" "No, of course I couldn't!" "Well he couldn't either!"
Vote: has 81.84 % from 74 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: divorce, husband, weed, women, work
One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him: I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh. The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep... Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her: Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?
Vote: has 81.75 % from 741 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dentist, husband, sex, wife
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
Vote: has 81.28 % from 167 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, husband, women, work
A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami. The e-mail reads: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Vote: has 80.72 % from 506 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, husband, wife
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
Vote: has 80.60 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, husband, time, wife
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed. Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch." A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment." He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
Vote: has 80.10 % from 1347 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, game, husband, money, sex
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Vote: has 79.95 % from 54 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, husband, wife
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Vote: has 79.80 % from 255 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, kids, life, men, women
“Honey”, says the wife to her husband, “last night I had the most AMAZING dream..I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..” The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love. The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan. But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles. She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them. The husband accepted and started waving the fan… After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more! So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?”
Vote: has 79.54 % from 268 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, husband, sex, wife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.” “Is that you, Fred?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.” “Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.” “Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
Vote: has 79.53 % from 257 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, dirty, heaven, husband, sex