I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
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Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.
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Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army.
They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together.
After retirement, they went to different states and settled.
However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails.
To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately!
When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself."
Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table.
He was asked what had happened.
He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."
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Joke has 80.13 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, communication, friendship, military, old people
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting.
Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…"
"Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
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A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Joke has 76.01 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: communication, friendship, memory, old people, time
An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50.
The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?"
His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive."
The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal.
"Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot.
The couple climbs in the helicopter.
The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter.
The couple never made a sound.
The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides."
The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
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An old lady really wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors, before she died. So she went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.
“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said.
“Raise your right hand, please.”
The old gal raised her right hand.
“Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?”
The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but. . .will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”
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What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'