Joke #1024

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

What is so special about the retirement age? "It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job."

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Elderly Man: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic." Priest: "I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war." Elderly Man: "I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed." Priest: "That's not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive." Elderly Man: "Should I tell him the war is over?"

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” “Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” “I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” “Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud. Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down. The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble. The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude. In fact, he gets worse. Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane. People got desperate. Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk. He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket. He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear. The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt. The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement. "Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered. "I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!" As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!" The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"