How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice. Except for Chris Brown.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't told her twice!
What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job? Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.
What’s the difference between goats and women?? Goats are always horney.
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.