How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future: Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future. Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer. "Listen honey," she says, "For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want." The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, "Paint my house."
An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well...it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...". The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee...I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".
What a woman says… This place is a mess! C’mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and You’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do laundry right now! What a man hears… blah blah blah blah blah C’MON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Q:What's the definition of mixed emotions? A:When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ? A fifty pound note !
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."
Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
How is a police car like a women? It flashes and It usually has a d*ck in it.