Joke #1072

Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

So this blonde woman walks into a shop and asks the owner "Have you got a phone I can borrow as I have a bit of money and I want to call my mom." The owner says "yes" and takes her to the back of the room as he realized she was a blonde so he wanted a blowjob. So they go in the back of the room and the guy took his pants off and took out his penis. So the woman gave him the money and she put her mouth on his penis and shouted: "HEY MOM ARE YOU IN THERE!"

Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account. Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry. ‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’

Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars. Auctioneer: 50 Dollars Voice: 100 Dollars Ronnie: 200 Dollars Voice: 300 Dollars Ronnie: 400 Dollars Voice: 750 Dollars Ronnie: 800 Dollars Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold. Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it." Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.

Stores accept Monopoly money from Chuck Norris.

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog." Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."

Yo mama is so stupid that when he got a new bicycle he gave it to the charity funds.

Where to birds invest their money? In the stork market!

A guy was talking with his friend: I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk. Ok, but how about your finances? The lawyer takes care of those...

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."