I walked passed a burnt out building with a broken sign saying "Fireworks". How right they were.
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
Two clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off. The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.
What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door? A nigger with a spear through his head.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep? A: When the big hand touches the small one.
"My parachute did not work." Said no one ever.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.