Joke #11273

Little Johnny asks his mum, "Mum, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time in a faraway land'?"  "No darling," says his mother, somewhat distressed, "Sometimes, they can begin with 'I've got too much work in the office tonight, I'll come home later'."

Johny's curriculum vitae: 1. Full name: John 2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run. 3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream. 4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated. 5. Mental health: mentally retarded. 6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit. 7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named as Redwing and the lizard named as Notail 8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock. 9. Working motivation: none. I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" "No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"

During a conversation regarding new potential Johny's job: "Johny, tell us and what is your weak feature?" Johny: "Openness!" Interviewer: "But the openness isn't a weak feature!" Johny: "Ok, but I fuck what you think!"

Mother, "Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you'll get kids who will be very naughty to you!" Johnny, "Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, haven't you?"

A priest asks Johnny if he's scared of Satan. Little Johnny says "I have nothing to be scared of you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday..."

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work? It keeps them awake.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!" The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: "I just wanted to let you know you're off the air." Host: "Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it." Caller: "It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that."