Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it's Halloween!
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I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight.
It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.
I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake.
Sincerely, Michael Myers
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Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?"
I looked at him and asked, "What have you come as?"
He said, "A werewolf."
I said, "But you're not wearing a costume. You've just got your normal clothes on."
He said, "Yeah well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?"
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...
Michael: "What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?"
Matthew: "I don't know. What?"
Michael: "Candy corneas."
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Joke has 54.49 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: black humor, disgusting, doctor, Halloween, morbid
Chuck Norris was supposed to be in the movie Halloween but the director thought it would be kind of stupid for Michael Meyers to stab himself in fear.
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