Joke #11600

Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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has 41.91 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: black humor, new year, time

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My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
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has 85.00 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: airplane, black humor, life, time
On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. "OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!" I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. "Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!" "Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench." Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down. "Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied. "What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously. "I ran a morgue." was the reply.
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has 82.51 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, time, work
A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up. He did the tests and waited. After a while, the doctor came in with the results. "Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.." "Doctor..! How much time do I have..?" "Ten..." "Ten what? Months? Years? What?!" "Nine...Eight...Seven..."
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has 80.94 % from 194 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, time
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
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has 80.93 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: black humor, sport, time
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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has 80.43 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
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has 77.66 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, office, time
Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
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has 76.06 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: black humor, mean, time, vulgar, work
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
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has 75.18 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: birthday, dirty, new year, sex, time
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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has 75.00 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: new year, time
Awwww, kids. They blow up so fast... Get it, kids grow up so fast.
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has 75.00 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: black humor, kids, time