The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.
The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.
The frightened investor was amazed!
"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.
The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?"
She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut.
After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.
"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer.
Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides.
When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note.
Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot.
The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien.
"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"
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