Joke #12262

Steve rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women stood 3 deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a bathroom. He saw a stairway and race up the steps to the second floor in his desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one foot by one foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of us control, he decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over the hole, and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the bar which was crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty. "Hey!" He yelled to the empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where were you when the poop hit the fan?"

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp. The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?" To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags. Juan replies "sand" The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them. He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand. The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross. This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come. After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar. He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking beer, so he went over to him. "Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?" Juan looked at him for a second, drank his beer then said "bicycles".

The bartender said "Sorry,we don't serve time travelers." Two time travelers walk into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can. The bartender asks, "my goodness, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have." The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?" The guy responds, "Only one Dollar."

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Listen to the other side. 11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile. 16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it. 24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. 26. Leap up and write the paper. 27. Type the paper. 28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.