Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
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I was invited to a party.
Suddenly I farted when an angry man shouted: "Why do you fart in presence of my wife?"
I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep.
The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay.
The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive.
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"Are you two twins?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes."
"OK that's enough, your driver's license please."
Q: What happened to Jesus when he said "Catch me outside, how bout dat"?
A: He got crucified
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Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: HIGH-Definition.
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Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time?
A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
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Let's walk and talk.
You go that way.
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Two blondes were repairing a roof, with one working on one side and one on the other.
After a while, one blonde noticed that her friend would carefully examine each nail before hammering it down, but half of the time she would toss the nail behind her after examining it.
Figuring that there couldn't be that many bad nails, she yelled out to her friend: "Why are you tossing out all those nails?"
"Well, those were all pointing the wrong way!" was the response.
Infuriated, the first blonde bellowed "You, idiot! Those are for my side of the roof!!"
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