Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
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My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.
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Q: Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
A: Time will tell.
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Chuck Norris is a man of few words.
Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
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Sometimes I use really big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
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Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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Did you ever notice:
Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B".
Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy...
That's origin of "BP"!
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Little Johnny was watching TV with his mother.
Johnny: "Why is this tampon commercial so long?"
Mother: "This is my favorite show called 90210."
Johnny: ...
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Q: What do you call a man with no body, and only a nose?
A: Nobody knows.
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What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
Answer: "Halo there!"
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Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing.
He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions.
The marriage felt like a sentence.
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