Joke #12835

If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
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has 72.63 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: life, mean

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A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!" That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
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has 81.26 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: christian, death, lawyer, life, mean
Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"? A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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has 80.50 % from 166 votes. More jokes about: family, life, mean, mother in law
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
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has 80.00 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, life, marriage, mean, men
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
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has 78.53 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: life, mean, men, women
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
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has 74.14 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: death, dentist, life, mean, redneck
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...
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has 73.44 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: Halloween, life, mean, travel, work
There appeared suddenly a crowd of many people in the street, because they caught a thief, who has stolen 500 euros from the grocery. They wanted to beat him up, but Johny stayed still and told the people: "who is without guilt, may throw a stone at this thief!" Nobody wanted to throw a stone at this thief, becuase nobody was without guilt. Suddenly one stone has hit this thief directly into his forehead and he has fallen down to the ground. Johny asked: "who was it? Who was it?" The Heaven has opened and the oldest archangel has s aid: "it was me!"
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has 54.59 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: heaven, life, mean, money
Q: Wanna hear a joke? A: Women's Rights.
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has 45.82 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: life, mean, women
A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal." Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit." (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines). Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."
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has 55.34 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: doctor, drug, food, life
What Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain Situations If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't` eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good. If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
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has 64.80 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: life