Joke #12889

You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
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has 79.11 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: doctor, flirt, health, mean, romantic

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Blonde walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
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has 86.02 % from 1101 votes. More jokes about: blonde, doctor, health
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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has 85.22 % from 298 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
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has 85.04 % from 399 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, life, medical, work
"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Dear God!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
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has 83.88 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: dentist, doctor, mean
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?" Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor." Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?" Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
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has 82.10 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: animal, doctor, health, hospital, life
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
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has 80.44 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: communication, doctor, health, stupid
A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness." Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time." Fat lady: "At which particular time?" Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."
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has 78.82 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: doctor, fat, health, life
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."
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has 78.50 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, old people
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
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has 78.03 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health, kids
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
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has 77.47 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: doctor, friendship, health, memory, money