Joke #13200

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.

I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

Q: What did the grape say when it was crushed? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

I've trained my dog to bring me red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.

The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

Overheard in a restaurant: She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste." He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"