Q: How do you make holy water? A: You boil the hell out of it.
A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?" "You mean J.C?", responds the alien. "yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok". Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!" The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?" The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"
Q: What did Jesus tell the Mexicans just before he died? A: Act stupid until I get back.
Jesus walks into an inn and hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Q: What do you get when you complete science class? A: A graduated cylinder.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Christian Doctor: "Your recovery was a miracle!" Christian Patient: "Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you."
Scientists have predicted the world will end in 2012, but that's just a guess when Chusk Norris' patience will run out.
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time? A:Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, her farts are classified as biological weapons.