Joke #13341

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
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has 45.82 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life, science, time

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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has 85.64 % from 569 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life, science, stupid, wine
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
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has 85.38 % from 1494 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life, travel
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris. After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
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has 85.30 % from 762 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, time
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
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has 85.13 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: airplane, black humor, life, time
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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has 84.96 % from 709 votes. More jokes about: car, funeral, life, time
While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.
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has 84.93 % from 999 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life
Once chuck norris and time had race. Result: The time is still running.
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has 84.30 % from 706 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, time
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
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has 83.48 % from 204 votes. More jokes about: death, life, time
Chuck Norris can experience a once in a life time occurrence... twice.
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has 83.18 % from 145 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
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has 83.08 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, game, life