I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week.
I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".
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Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
"I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left everything to his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road?
There’s skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Yo Mama so fat when Flash tried to run around her he died before he got half way.
The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.
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Chuck Norris' Facebook status has a dislike button...nobody clicks it.
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About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
If looks could kill they would be called Chuck Norris.
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James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.
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