What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
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When I arrived at a hotel in order to fill in my identities I noticed the word "sex" so I wrote: YES PLEASE.
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Is it still rape if you yell 'Surprise!' first?
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A Marine was going in for his physical.
He had celebrated his 45th birthday that weekend.
After taking all the tests, the blood other fluids.
He was now waiting for the DR. in an office on the table in a paper outfit.
The DR came in.
After looking over all the notes, the Marine was asked if he had an active sex life.
Straight-faced, the Marine answered. "Yes, Sir.'
Asked how often, the Marine thought, "I cannot honestly answer that question, Sir."
Turning to look at the Marine he was asked, "Why not?"
Smiling the Marine stated. "One of the samples that were needed, I asked for some assistance. A nice Lady came in to help me. Would that count?"
The DR. signed the paperwork.
Walked out of the office saying, "Get dressed. You're fine."
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom.
He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed.
When the priest tried to have sex with her, the girl shouted:
"Father, what are you doing?"
The priest replied "Calm down my child.
Holy Bible under you, Holy Father above you and Holy water passing through."
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands.
‘Tell me,’ says one.
‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’
‘No,’ says the other.
‘I think we were with the Prudential.’
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start.
I think it needs a new battery.
Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing.
So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex?
She locks the car doors.