Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.
"How's it going?", someone asked.
"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
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Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
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The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
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Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.
So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
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A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal.
Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet.
Of course, they should at the court.
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Q: What do you call a pot of angry water?
A: Boiling mad.
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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.
After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
Chuck Norris jokes are a oxymoron because Chuck Norris isn't a joke.
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