Joke #13649

I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
Vote: has 80.46 % from 20 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, mean, time

Similar jokes

See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.

One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant. When I returned home I saw her father closing the door. I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant? For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery." Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms. Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her fart in her arms."
Vote: has 86.06 % from 727 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, communication, fart, marriage, time
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
Vote: has 85.82 % from 287 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
Vote: has 85.81 % from 374 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Vote: has 85.40 % from 348 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, marriage, time
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
Vote: has 85.35 % from 1339 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dating, kids, marriage, sex, time
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Vote: has 85.29 % from 75 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, drug, love, marriage, time
Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing. "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day." "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
Vote: has 85.21 % from 381 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: mean, music, time, wife, women
Husband: Knocks the door at midnight. Wife: Go back where you coming from! Husband: Open the door or I throw myself in the swimming pool! Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool. !!!!..Scheweew..!!!! Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door. Wife: Open the door or I will shout!! Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wakes up and comes here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only a panty and a bra!
Vote: has 84.55 % from 350 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, time, wife
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
Vote: has 84.37 % from 62 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: holiday, marriage, mean, women
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
Vote: has 83.37 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, marriage, memory, old people, time