Father: In life you can never be certain about anything. Son: Really dad, are you sure? Father: I'm certain.
Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy. They see two dogs going at it. The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?" The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy." That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama! The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?" He says "Oh, were making it a baby." The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer." Mom: "You don't have Cancer!" Me: "So it's working..."
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. "We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. " "Right, Darlin." The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."
A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he d continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. "However did you find him?" asked Father Skunk. "In-stinct," replied Out.